He Thinks I’m Pretty, So Maybe I Should Shut Up

The other day, my husband told me I looked pretty.

And do you know what my immediate reaction was?

Not “thank you.”

Of course not.

Because apparently, as women, we are physically incapable of accepting a compliment without immediately presenting supporting evidence for why the person giving it is clearly mistaken.

So instead, my brain started compiling the list.

My hair is a mess.

I need to lose weight.

Look at these wrinkles.

My stomach looks huge in this.

I look tired.

I hate my arms.

This outfit makes me look awful.

And somewhere in the middle of mentally preparing my PowerPoint presentation titled “Reasons You Are Wrong About Your Wife,” I had a thought:

He thinks I’m pretty.

Maybe I should shut up.

Seriously.

Maybe I should stop trying to convince the man who loves me that he shouldn't find me attractive.

Because here's something I don't think we talk about enough:

Our partners don't always see us the way we see ourselves.

We look in the mirror and immediately zoom in.

They look at the whole person.

We see the extra weight.

They see the woman they fell in love with.

We see wrinkles around our eyes.

They see the face they've laughed with for years.

We see stretch marks.

They may see the body that carried babies, curled up next to them on the couch, danced in the kitchen, went on vacations with them and has been part of a thousand ordinary moments they love.

We see ourselves under bathroom lighting from six inches away while analyzing a pore like we're conducting a federal investigation.

Maybe they aren't doing that.

And yet, for some reason, we keep trying to make them.

Stop Pointing Out Things They Weren't Looking At

Think about how ridiculous this is.

Your partner says:

“You look beautiful.”

And you respond:

“Ugh. No I don't. Look at my stomach.”

He wasn't looking at your stomach.

You were.

“You look great in that dress.”

“No way. Look at my arms.”

He wasn't thinking about your arms.

You were.

“You're so sexy.”

“Please. I've gained so much weight.”

Again…

YOU were thinking about your weight.

So why are we handing the people who love us a magnifying glass and saying,

“Here. Let me show you everything that's wrong with me.”

Ladies.

Maybe we need to stop.

Not because we're supposed to magically wake up tomorrow overflowing with confidence.

Not because insecurity disappears just because someone tells us we're beautiful.

But because every negative thought we have about ourselves doesn't need to become part of our relationship.

Don't Teach Someone How to Criticize You

There is a difference between vulnerability and constantly criticizing yourself.

Of course we should be able to tell our partners when we're struggling.

“I haven't felt like myself lately.”

“I've been feeling insecure.”

“I don't feel comfortable in my body right now.”

Those are real conversations.

But that's different from responding to every compliment with an argument.

Because when someone tells you you're beautiful and you repeatedly answer with everything you hate about yourself, you're asking them to see you through your insecurities instead of allowing them to see you through their own eyes.

Stop planting negative thoughts where they weren't growing.

Your partner doesn't need a guided tour of every flaw you've decided you have.

Maybe He Actually Means It

Here's the part I think we sometimes have the hardest time believing:

Maybe he isn't just saying it.

Maybe he actually thinks you're beautiful.

Maybe when you're standing in the kitchen in leggings, hair piled on top of your head, making coffee, he genuinely likes what he sees.

Maybe when you crawl into bed without makeup, he isn't mentally comparing you to the 25-year-old version of you.

Maybe the things you've decided make you less attractive aren't nearly as important to him as they are to you.

Maybe he sees something you can't see right now.

And instead of correcting him…

what if you believed him?

We Have Got to Stop Talking to Ourselves Like This

This isn't really just about our partners.

It's about the way we talk about ourselves.

Somewhere along the way, self-deprecating comments became so normal that we barely notice ourselves doing it.

“I look disgusting.”

“I'm so fat.”

“God, I've gotten old.”

“My body is terrible.”

We say these things casually.

Sometimes jokingly.

Sometimes in front of our husbands.

Sometimes in front of our friends.

And sometimes in front of our daughters.

That's the part that gets me.

Because I would be heartbroken hearing my daughter describe herself the way I've sometimes described myself.

I would immediately tell her:

Don't talk about yourself like that.

So why do we get to?

You Don't Have to Think You're the Hottest Woman Alive

This isn't a blog telling you to stand naked in front of the mirror every morning chanting affirmations while Beyoncé plays in the background.

Although, honestly, if that's your thing, carry on.

I'm talking about something much smaller.

The next time your partner says:

“You look beautiful.”

Try this:

“Thank you.”

That's it.

Don't add a disclaimer.

Don't tell him the lighting is good.

Don't point out the five pounds you've gained.

Don't mention your wrinkles.

Don't suck in your stomach.

Don't explain why he's wrong.

Just let someone love the version of you standing in front of them.

Even if you're still learning how to love her yourself.

And Maybe Start Seeing What He Sees

You've spent years looking at yourself through a microscope.

What if, every once in a while, you borrowed his eyes?

Maybe he'd tell you about your smile.

Your laugh.

The way your eyes look when you're excited.

The way you look when you're playing with your kids.

The way you still make him laugh.

The way you look sitting across from him drinking coffee.

The woman who has built a life beside him.

Because attraction isn't frozen at the moment two people meet.

Bodies change.

Faces change.

Life changes.

Love has the opportunity to change with it.

And sometimes the person beside you isn't wishing for the younger, thinner, smoother version of you.

Sometimes he's just looking at you.

And he likes what he sees.

So Maybe We Should Shut Up

I mean that with all the love in the world.

Maybe the next time he says you're beautiful, don't argue.

Maybe the next time he tells you he likes your body, don't give him a list of reasons he shouldn't.

Maybe stop pointing out flaws he wasn't noticing.

Stop handing your insecurities to someone else and asking them to carry them too.

You are allowed to work on yourself.

You are allowed to want to lose weight, get stronger, change your hair, buy clothes that make you feel better or work on your confidence.

But you don't have to hate today's version of yourself while you're becoming tomorrow's.

And when the person who loves you looks across the room and thinks,

Damn. She's pretty.

Maybe don't correct him.

Smile.

Say thank you.

And for once…

believe that he might actually know what he's talking about.

One little challenge for you

For the next seven days, if your partner gives you a compliment, you're not allowed to argue with it.

No:

“Yeah, but…”

“No, I don't.”

“You're crazy.”

“Have you seen my stomach?”

Just two words:

Thank you.

Then pay attention to how uncomfortable it feels to simply accept something nice about yourself.

Because maybe that's where the real work begins.

Question for you: What's one compliment your partner gives you that you always have trouble believing?

Xo, Janthina