Mama, You’re Not Failing. You’re Just Carrying Too Damn Much.

Before we get into this, I need you to know something.

I'm not writing this because I have my shit together.

Quite the opposite, actually.

There is laundry piled up in my house too.

There are things on my to-do list that have been moved from Monday to Tuesday to Wednesday so many times that at this point they should probably just have permanent residency there.

There are emails I need to answer.

Things I forgot to order.

Appointments I'm trying to remember.

Kids who need to be somewhere.

Sports schedules.

School stuff.

Volunteer stuff.

Marriage.

Family.

A house that apparently continues getting dirty no matter how many times I clean it.

And approximately 972 things floating around inside my head at any given moment.

So please don't read this blog thinking I'm sitting here with a spotless kitchen, color-coded calendar and four perfectly organized laundry baskets telling you how to get your life together.

My ducks are not in a row.

My ducks have scattered.

One is flying over my head.

One is probably sitting on the soccer field.

One just smacked me in the face.

And I'm pretty sure another one is buried underneath the clean laundry I've been meaning to fold since Tuesday.

I'm not writing this because I've figured motherhood out.

I'm writing it because I'm in it too.

I'm overwhelmed too.

Sometimes I look around my house and genuinely wonder how everything got so out of control when I feel like I haven't stopped moving all day.

Sometimes I finally sit down at night and realize I've spent the entire day doing things for other people—and somehow still feel like I didn't accomplish enough.

Sometimes my life feels like one giant, unorganized hot mess.

And sometimes there simply isn't enough time to catch up.

That's why I'm writing this.

Not "Do as I say, not as I do."

More like:

"Hey Mama, I'm drowning a little too. Want to figure out how to swim together?"

Because I don't want Sassy Beach Mama to be another corner of the internet where a woman with a perfectly organized pantry tells you that your life would be less stressful if you bought twelve matching acrylic containers.

I bought those containers.

And you know what?

They stressed me out every time they were out of place.

So no, we're not doing that here.

I want this to be the place where we admit that sometimes the cereal is still in the grocery bag on the kitchen floor.

Sometimes dinner is takeout.

Sometimes we cry.

Sometimes we forget things.

Sometimes we're touched out.

Sometimes we don't want anybody to need us for five freaking minutes.

Sometimes we adore our families...

and desperately want to be alone.

Both can be true.

You can love the absolute hell out of your life and still feel completely overwhelmed by it.

When Did Life Become One Giant To-Do List?

Here's the crazy part:

Most of the things overwhelming us aren't necessarily bad things.

You wanted the kids to play sports.

You wanted to volunteer at their school.

You wanted to be involved.

You wanted a family.

You love watching your kid run onto the field.

You love being the mom who shows up.

You love helping create the school events they'll remember.

You love being there for your family.

But somehow all those beautiful little pieces of the life you wanted piled on top of one another until you found yourself buried underneath them.

One kid has soccer.

Another has volleyball.

One needs to be across town at 5:00.

The other needs to be somewhere else at 5:30.

You're on the PTA board because somebody needed to help.

Then another committee needed somebody.

Then the sports team needed a volunteer.

Then someone realized you're capable, organized and dependable—which is basically the kiss of death for an already-busy mom.

Because suddenly everyone knows:

Ask her. She'll do it.

And you probably will.

That's how we end up carrying 47 invisible jobs while wondering why we're exhausted.

The Mental Load Is Sometimes Heavier Than the Actual Work

The exhausting part isn't always doing everything.

It's remembering everything.

You aren't just driving someone to soccer.

You're remembering practice is at 5:30.

You're remembering the uniform needs washing.

You're remembering the water bottle.

You're remembering they need to eat beforehand.

You're remembering there's a game Saturday.

You're remembering somebody volunteered you for snacks.

You're remembering Grandma asked what time the game starts.

You're remembering the cleats are getting small and new ones need to be ordered.

And that's just soccer.

Multiply that by multiple kids.

Add school.

Add PTA.

Add appointments.

Add groceries.

Add laundry.

Add birthdays.

Add family obligations.

Add your marriage.

Add work or volunteering.

Then add trying to remember that you're supposedly supposed to drink enough water, exercise, sleep eight hours, eat enough protein, take your vitamins, maintain friendships, have hobbies and somehow achieve inner peace.

Sure.

We'll squeeze that in between the 5:30 practice and Costco.

And Then Comes the Guilt

This might be the hardest part.

Because you're overwhelmed...

and then you feel guilty for being overwhelmed.

You look at your children and think:

They're only little once.

So you tell yourself you should enjoy every second.

You should be more patient.

You should play more games.

You should put your phone down.

You should cook healthier dinners.

You should volunteer.

You should make the holidays magical.

You should date your husband.

You should exercise.

You should have more sex.

You should keep the house cleaner.

You should be more present.

You should be grateful.

You should.

You should.

You should.

And eventually all those shoulds become another pile you're carrying.

Here's something I'm trying to remind myself too:

Being grateful for your life does not mean you aren't allowed to be exhausted by it.

You can adore your children and desperately want everyone to stop talking to you for ten minutes.

You can love watching your kid play sports and hate spending four nights a week sitting at practices.

You can love your husband and still feel irritated that he somehow walked straight past the laundry basket as if it were protected by an invisible force field.

You can love volunteering and still realize you've said yes one too many times.

Two things can be true.

This can be the beautiful life you prayed for AND it can be really freaking hard sometimes.

Okay, So What Do We Actually Do When Everything Feels Like Too Much?

I don't have a magic formula.

If I did, my laundry would probably be folded.

But I have been thinking a lot about what makes the chaos feel a little more manageable.

So these aren't:

"10 things you need to do to fix your life."

God knows we don't need another list of things we're apparently doing wrong.

Think of these instead as:

10 things I'm trying too.

Some will work.

Some won't.

Some weeks we'll absolutely nail them.

Other weeks we'll be eating cereal for dinner while digging through the dryer looking for tomorrow's soccer uniform.

That's life.

But maybe somewhere in these ten things, you and I can both find a little more breathing room.

1. Let's Get It Out of Our Heads

Before we organize our lives, maybe we need to get everything out of our heads.

Grab a notebook.

Write down everything.

Appointments.

Sports.

School events.

Emails you need to send.

Things you need to buy.

Laundry.

House projects.

Forms.

Birthdays.

Calls.

Volunteer responsibilities.

Random things like order new cleats and return the Amazon package that's been riding around in my car for nine days.

Write until your brain finally gets a little quieter.

Because your brain should not be your family's storage unit.

Put it somewhere you can see it.

Then you can decide what actually deserves your attention.

2. Let's Figure Out What Actually Matters

Take that giant list and divide it into four categories:

MUST DO
Things with actual consequences if they don't happen.

SHOULD DO
Important, but not urgent.

WOULD BE NICE
Things you'd like to accomplish, but life will continue if they don't happen.

And my personal favorite:

WHY AM I EVEN DOING THIS?

This category might change your life.

Because sometimes we continue doing things simply because we've always done them.

Or because we're afraid someone will be disappointed.

Or because nobody else volunteered.

Or because we think a "good mom" is supposed to do it.

We're allowed to reconsider.

3. Maybe We Need to Stop Trying to Catch Up

I'm still working on this one.

Because I constantly feel like I'm trying to catch up.

Catch up on laundry.

Catch up on emails.

Catch up on cleaning.

Catch up on work.

Catch up on errands.

Catch up on life.

But here's the problem:

There is no caught up.

Laundry is coming tomorrow.

Someone will send another email.

Your children will eat again.

The kitchen will get dirty again.

Someone will need something.

Life isn't a checklist you eventually finish.

So maybe we need to stop waiting for the magical day when everything is done before we're allowed to relax.

That day isn't coming.

Rest anyway.

4. Why Are We Carrying All of This Ourselves?

Mama.

You are raising children, not hotel guests.

They live there too.

They can carry laundry.

They can unload the dishwasher.

They can fill water bottles.

They can pack sports bags.

They can make simple lunches.

They can put away their clothes.

They can help clean up.

Will they do it exactly the way you would?

Probably not.

That's okay.

And our spouses or partners?

Maybe we need to stop calling it "help."

Because "helping" implies that everything belonged to us in the first place.

It's a household.

It's a family.

The responsibility belongs to the family.

We do not have to be the unpaid project managers of everyone's existence.

5. Pick Three. Just Three.

Every morning—or the night before—pick three things.

Not seventeen.

Three.

What three things would make you feel like today moved forward?

Maybe it's:

Call the dentist.

Finish the PTA flyer.

Fold one basket of laundry.

That's it.

Anything else is a bonus.

Because when everything is a priority, nothing is.

6. Create a "Good Enough" Day

Some days we're thriving.

Other days we're surviving on chicken nuggets and whatever clean underwear we can find.

Maybe we need rules for those days too.

What does your household actually require to function today?

Maybe:

Everyone gets fed.

Everyone gets where they're supposed to go.

The kitchen gets a 10-minute reset.

One load of laundry gets moved through.

Done.

That's enough.

The baseboards can remain dusty.

Nobody has ever called CPS because the junk drawer was disorganized.

Sometimes good enough really is good enough.

7. Find Tiny Pockets That Belong to You

When moms hear "self-care," we're shown spa weekends, massages and girls' trips.

Wonderful.

Also not happening at 4:45 on a Wednesday when two kids have practice.

So I'm talking smaller.

Ten minutes drinking coffee alone.

Twenty minutes reading your Kindle.

Sitting outside without doing anything productive.

Taking a walk.

Watching one ridiculous show nobody else likes.

Getting in bed early.

Taking the long shower.

Driving home from school drop-off without calling anyone.

It doesn't have to be impressive.

It doesn't even have to be Instagram-worthy.

It just needs to be yours.

Ten minutes that belongs completely to you still belongs to you.

8. Learn the Phrase "Not This Season"

I really love this one because it doesn't mean never.

It just means:

Not this season.

Can you chair another committee?

Not this season.

Can you organize the team party?

Not this season.

Can you volunteer for another event?

Not this season.

Can your kid add another activity?

Maybe not this season.

Sometimes the solution to overwhelm isn't becoming better at carrying everything.

It's carrying less.

And I think a lot of us need permission to do exactly that.

9. Remember Your Relationship Exists Outside the Kids

When life gets crazy, your significant other can slowly become your business partner.

Did you pick up the kids?

What's for dinner?

Did you pay that?

What time is practice?

Can you grab milk?

Goodnight.

Repeat.

Connection doesn't always require a fancy date night.

Sit outside together for twenty minutes.

Share a drink after the kids go to bed.

Watch something together.

Go for a drive.

Flirt.

Touch each other when you pass in the kitchen.

Ask a question that has absolutely nothing to do with your children.

Remember that before you became the CEO and COO of this tiny chaotic corporation you created together...

you actually liked each other.

Find those people again.

10. Ask Yourself What Kind of Life You're Actually Trying to Build

This might be the biggest one.

Because sometimes we become so busy maintaining our lives that we forget to ask whether we actually like how we're living them.

So I'm asking myself this too:

What do I want my days to feel like?

Not look like.

Feel like.

Calm?

Fun?

Connected?

Adventurous?

Slow?

Full?

Cozy?

Maybe the answer isn't doing more.

Maybe it's fewer activities.

Maybe it's one less committee.

Maybe it's saying no.

Maybe it's asking your husband to take over Tuesday practices.

Maybe it's deciding laundry can sit in baskets.

Maybe it's ordering pizza.

Maybe it's protecting Sunday mornings.

Maybe it's realizing our children don't need mothers who perfectly orchestrate their childhoods.

They need us.

And we deserve to actually experience this life we're working so hard to create.

Mama, We're Allowed to Put Something Down

If you're reading this while sitting next to a pile of laundry...

Leave it there for another ten minutes.

Seriously.

The clothes aren't going anywhere.

Our children don't need every moment to be magical.

Our houses don't need to look like nobody lives in them.

Our marriages don't need to be perfect.

We don't have to answer every email immediately.

We don't have to volunteer for everything.

We don't have to make homemade cupcakes.

We don't have to attend every single thing.

And we don't have to prove we're good moms by running ourselves into the ground.

Maybe we're not overwhelmed because we're terrible at managing our lives.

Maybe we're overwhelmed because we're trying to manage too damn much of them.

There's a difference.

So I'm starting small too.

Put one thing down.

Ask someone else to carry another.

Leave something unfinished.

Say no to something that doesn't matter.

Sit down for ten minutes.

Drink the coffee while it's actually hot.

Read a chapter.

Laugh with your kids.

Kiss your husband.

Ignore the laundry.

Because someday, strangely enough, we might actually miss the cleats by the door and the uniforms tumbling in the dryer.

But we don't need to exhaust ourselves trying to appreciate every second of it.

We just need enough breathing room to notice some of it.

And if today all you managed to do was keep everyone alive, get everyone where they needed to go and crawl into bed at the end of it?

Mama...

that counts too.

Before You Go: What's Your Five-Minute Exhale?

This is the part where I really want to hear from you.

Because remember, I don't have all the answers.

I'm figuring this out too.

So let's start helping each other.

What's the one little thing that makes you think:

Okay. I can breathe again.

Not something productive.

Not something you're doing for your kids.

Not something you're doing because it's good for the household.

Something that's yours.

Maybe it's drinking coffee alone in your car before walking into the grocery store.

Maybe it's reading a spicy book after everyone goes to sleep.

Maybe it's a 20-minute walk.

Maybe it's blasting music in the car alone.

Maybe it's gardening.

Maybe it's sitting outside with a glass of wine.

Maybe it's taking an unnecessarily long shower and locking the bathroom door.

Maybe it's Target.

No judgment here.

Whatever it is, drop it in the comments.

Because maybe your five-minute exhale is exactly what another overwhelmed mama needs to hear about today.

That's what I want this little corner of the internet to become.

Not one woman pretending she has all the answers.

A bunch of women sitting in the mess together, sharing what's actually helping.

I'm not on the other side telling you how to get here.

I'm sitting right here in the mess with you.

And maybe we can make this crazy, beautiful, overwhelming life feel a little lighter together.

A Little Reminder Before You Go

Your life doesn't need to be perfectly organized before you can enjoy it.

You don't need to become more productive before you deserve rest.

And you certainly don't need to become a better mom.

Maybe you just need to stop expecting one woman to do the work of five.

Beautiful lives aren't found. They're built… one small step at a time.

Today, that small step might simply be deciding what you're finally ready to put down.

Coming Next: Motherhood in Your 40s

And if you're reading this in your 40s thinking:

"Oh girl... there's a whole other layer to this."

I know.

Because I'm there too.

The kids still need you—but now your parents are getting older. Your body is changing. Health suddenly takes up more space in your brain. Anxiety hits differently. Your relationship has been through some shit. Time feels different.

And somewhere between taking care of the people ahead of you and the people behind you, you start asking:

Wait... who's taking care of me?

That's a conversation big enough for its own blog.

So that's where we're going next. ❤️

Xo, Janthina