Balancing Careers, Kids & the Mental Load: When Mama Is Holding the Whole Damn Circus Together

There’s a special kind of exhaustion that comes from being responsible for approximately everything.

Not just doing things.

Remembering things.

Planning things.

Anticipating things.

Following up on things.

Reminding everyone else to do the things you already reminded them about three times.

And then, somewhere between answering an email, switching the laundry, figuring out dinner, signing a permission slip, checking the family calendar, and yelling, “DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE?” you're supposed to be a calm, emotionally regulated woman who drinks enough water and has a skincare routine and an amazing sex life.

Sure.

Sounds reasonable.

Whether you work full-time outside the home, work from home, run a business, stay home with your kids, work part-time, or have created some chaotic combination of all of the above, motherhood has a way of turning life into one enormous juggling act.

Except nobody hands you cute little juggling balls.

They hand you flaming chainsaws.

And one of them needs to be at soccer practice at 5:30.

The Part Nobody Sees: The Mental Load

There are the things we physically do every day.

Then there are the 3,782 invisible browser tabs running in our brains while we do them.

The dentist appointments.

The grocery list.

The kid who needs new shoes.

The birthday party Saturday.

The teacher email you haven't answered.

The prescription that needs to be picked up.

The work deadline.

The science project.

The laundry sitting in the washing machine that you suddenly remember at 11:47 p.m.

The fact that you need milk tomorrow morning.

The child who has been a little quieter lately and you're wondering if something is bothering them.

The bill that's due Friday.

The family member you haven't called back.

The dog needs grooming.

Someone needs a physical before sports start.

You need to schedule your own appointment.

You should probably make plans with your husband because apparently you're supposed to continue dating the man after you marry him.

And WHY IS EVERYONE ALWAYS HUNGRY?

That is the mental load.

It's not simply having a lot to do.

It's being the person whose brain has become the family's unofficial operating system.

You're not just packing the soccer bag.

You're remembering that the uniform needs washing Thursday because the game is Saturday, checking whether the cleats still fit, noticing the water bottle disappeared three weeks ago, knowing you're almost out of sunscreen, remembering which field you're playing on, and calculating when everyone needs to leave the house.

And while you're doing all of that, somebody asks:

“Mom, where's my jersey?”

I don't know, Chase.

Perhaps check the place where I told you to put it.

Add a Career to the Mix and Things Get Extra Spicy

Now take that mental load and add work.

Maybe you're commuting to an office.

Maybe you're taking Zoom calls from your kitchen while silently praying nobody walks behind you asking where the good snacks are.

Maybe you're building a business after bedtime.

Maybe you're answering emails from the school pickup line.

Maybe you're working because your family needs the income.

Maybe you're working because you love what you do.

Maybe both are true.

But there is this strange expectation placed on mothers that we're supposed to operate as though we don't have children while we're working...

…and parent as though we don't have jobs while we're home.

We are supposed to be completely present everywhere.

Which is impossible.

So instead, many of us end up feeling slightly guilty everywhere.

At work, you wonder whether you're giving enough to your family.

At home, you're thinking about what you didn't finish at work.

When you're with your kids, you're remembering the email you forgot to send.

When you're working, you're wondering whether you signed the field-trip form.

And when you finally get ten minutes alone?

You use it to order toilet paper.

Chronic Stress Doesn't Always Look Like Falling Apart

Here's where things get tricky.

When we imagine someone who is overwhelmed, we picture someone who can't function.

But a lot of overwhelmed moms are functioning beautifully from the outside.

The kids get where they need to go.

The emails get answered.

Dinner appears.

Work gets done.

Birthday gifts get purchased.

The permission slips somehow make it back to school.

Everyone has clean underwear.

Mostly.

And because we're still functioning, we tell ourselves:

I'm fine.

But chronic stress doesn't always look like a dramatic breakdown.

Sometimes it looks like irritability.

Brain fog.

Walking into a room and forgetting why you're there.

Feeling touched out.

Having absolutely zero patience for someone chewing loudly.

Being exhausted but unable to shut your brain off at night.

Feeling anxious when there isn't one specific thing wrong.

Clenching your jaw.

Holding tension in your shoulders.

Feeling guilty when you sit down because there's always something you could be doing.

Scrolling your phone because your brain desperately wants to check out for five minutes.

Or suddenly wanting to scream because someone asks:

“What's for dinner?”

It's not really about dinner.

Dinner just happened to be the final contestant on today's episode of How Much Crap Can Mom Handle Before She Loses It?

We Keep Trying to Find “Balance”

We're constantly told we need better work-life balance.

I have a question.

Has anyone actually found this balance?

Is it available at Target?

Because I'll take two.

The word balance makes it sound like there is some magical equation where work gets 25%, kids get 25%, marriage gets 20%, household gets 15%, friendships get 10%, and somehow we still have 5% left for ourselves.

That's adorable.

Real life doesn't work like that.

Some weeks your career needs more of you.

Some weeks your child is struggling and everything else gets pushed aside.

Some weeks your house looks fantastic.

Other weeks you are digging through the dryer every morning because apparently dressers are now purely decorative furniture.

Sometimes you're killing it at work while eating cereal for dinner.

Sometimes you're completely present with your family while your inbox quietly catches fire.

Balance isn't giving everything equal attention every day.

Maybe balance is simply learning what needs you most right now—and allowing the rest to be good enough.

Good Enough Is Criminally Underrated

Mamas, we need to bring back good enough.

Not everything deserves our highest level of effort. Pinterest has both saved us and ruined us at the same time!

Your child's birthday does not require a handcrafted balloon arch, personalized cookies, matching water-bottle labels and a Pinterest-worthy grazing table unless you genuinely enjoy doing those things.

Store-bought cupcakes are still cupcakes.

Dinner can be sandwiches.

The laundry can stay unfolded.

Your kid can wear mismatched socks.

You can say no to volunteering.

You can miss an event.

You can order groceries. Ohhhhhhhh, I LOVE this!!!!

You can use paper plates sometimes.

You can tell your family:

“I need help.”

And perhaps the most revolutionary idea of all:

Other capable people living in your house can notice things too.

They can replace the toilet-paper roll.

They can load the dishwasher.

They can put something on the grocery list when they finish it.

They can look for their own shoes.

We're raising humans here.

Knowing how to locate a sweatshirt without maternal intervention is an important life skill.

Stop Being the Family's Human Reminder App

One of the fastest ways to drown in the mental load is to remain responsible for everybody else's responsibilities.

We remind.

Then remind again.

Then get annoyed.

Then do it ourselves.

Then wonder why nobody takes responsibility.

It's a vicious little cycle.

Sometimes reducing the mental load means letting other people own an entire task, including the thinking part.

Not:

“Can you help me with dinner?”

Because you're still the project manager.

Instead:

“You're responsible for dinner Tuesday and Thursday.”

That means deciding what it is.

Checking whether we have ingredients.

Making it.

And ideally not asking Mom seventeen questions during the process.

Delegating only the physical labor while you continue managing all the thinking isn't really unloading the mental load.

It's outsourcing one tiny step.

Your Career Does Not Have to Cost You Your Family

And motherhood does not have to cost you every dream you had before you became someone's mom.

This one matters.

Because mothers are constantly receiving conflicting messages.

Be ambitious.

But don't work too much.

Be present.

But contribute financially.

Build something for yourself.

But don't miss anything with your kids.

Take care of yourself.

But also please remember spirit week, pajama day, teacher appreciation, orthodontist appointments, soccer registration and that somebody needs poster board tomorrow.

There is no version of motherhood where you perfectly satisfy every expectation.

So maybe we stop trying.

Your children can see you care about something outside motherhood.

They can see you work toward goals.

They can see you build something.

They can see you fail and try again.

They can also see you shut the laptop and say:

“That's enough work for today.”

Both lessons matter.

Your Kids Don't Need a Perfectly Balanced Mom

They need you.

Not the Instagram version.

Not the Pinterest version.

Not the woman who has meal-prepped quinoa bowls in matching glass containers while her children quietly complete enrichment activities at the kitchen island.

Actual you.

The mom who sometimes burns dinner.

The mom who forgets picture day. You will laugh at these photos later on!

The mom who works late occasionally.

The mom who gets overwhelmed.

The mom who apologizes when she loses her patience.

The mom who laughs so hard with them that her stomach hurts and maybe pees.

The mom who sits on the edge of their bed at night and listens to the story that somehow takes fourteen minutes even though the original question was, “How was school?”

Those are the moments they'll remember.

Not whether the baseboards were clean.

You Are Allowed to Exist Outside Your Responsibilities

This might be the hardest part.

When you're carrying a career, a household and children, you can slowly disappear underneath all the roles.

Employee.

Boss.

Wife.

Mom.

Chauffeur.

Cook.

Nurse.

Scheduler.

Homework helper.

Snack provider.

Emotional support human.

Finder of lost objects.

Keeper of approximately 9,000 passwords.

But underneath all of that is still a woman.

A woman who has opinions.

Dreams.

Things that make her laugh.

Things she wants to learn.

Places she wants to go.

Music she likes.

Friends she misses.

A body that needs rest.

A brain that occasionally needs everyone to STOP TALKING FOR FIVE MINUTES.

Taking care of that woman isn't selfish.

Because she is the one holding all of this together.

Start Smaller Than You Think

When you're chronically stressed, someone telling you to “prioritize self-care” can actually feel like one more assignment.

Great.

I'll add become mentally healthy between Costco and soccer practice.

Instead, start ridiculously small.

Drink your coffee while it's still hot.

Sit in the car for five quiet minutes before walking into the house.

Take a walk without turning it into a fitness goal.

Put your phone down and stand outside.

Tell someone no without writing a six-paragraph explanation.

Leave the dishes until morning.

Ask your partner to completely take over one household responsibility.

Let your kids solve an age-appropriate problem without immediately rescuing them.

Go to bed instead of “getting one more thing done.”

Make the doctor's appointment you've been putting off for yourself.

Small things count.

They won't magically eliminate chronic stress.

But they begin sending an important message to your brain:

I live here too.

And Mama, You're Doing Better Than You Think

Maybe your life doesn't feel balanced right now.

Maybe work is demanding too much.

Maybe your house is a disaster.

Maybe you're behind on laundry.

Maybe you've been short-tempered.

Maybe you've eaten dinner standing over the kitchen counter three nights this week.

Maybe you keep thinking everyone else seems to have this motherhood thing figured out.

They don't.

Some just have cleaner kitchen counters when they take pictures.

There will be seasons when you're thriving.

There will be seasons when you're surviving.

And there will be plenty of seasons where you're somewhere in between—doing your best, dropping a few balls, picking them back up and occasionally discovering that one of the balls wasn't actually important in the first place.

You don't need to carry everything perfectly.

You don't even need to carry everything.

You are allowed to put things down.

You are allowed to change your priorities.

You are allowed to ask for help.

You are allowed to want a career and deeply love being a mother.

You are allowed to love your family more than anything on earth and still desperately need some time away from them.

You are allowed to be grateful for your life and overwhelmed by it at the exact same time.

Those things can coexist.

And maybe that's the real secret nobody tells us about balance:

It's not about finally getting everything under control.

It's about building a life where you aren't required to destroy yourself just to keep everything else running.

So take something off your plate.

Lower the bar somewhere that doesn't matter.

Ask for help before you're drowning.

Laugh when the day goes completely sideways.

And tonight, when the house finally gets quiet and your brain starts listing the seventeen things you didn't accomplish today, remind yourself of everything you did do.

You showed up.

You loved your people.

You kept going.

And tomorrow?

We'll try again.

Preferably after coffee.

And if someone asks what's for dinner before you've finished that coffee?

They're on their own.

Xo, Janthina