Red Flags I Wish I Saw Sooner
No one ignores red flags on purpose. Often times, we do not even realize the Ctrain of red flags that were there until after we healed from the relationship.
Most of us notice them — we just don’t trust ourselves enough to name them when they appear.
We’ve been taught to be patient.
To be understanding.
To not “rock the boat.”
To not be too emotional.
To not be the problem.
So when something feels off, we don’t immediately call it what it is.
We comply.
We soften.
We wait.
And often, we stay longer than we should.
These are the red flags I wish I saw sooner — and the deeper truth about why I didn’t.
Ghosting After Conflict
At first, it didn’t feel like abandonment.
It felt like space.
After disagreements, there would be silence.
No texts.
No reassurance.
No clarity.
I told myself:
“They just need time.”
“They don’t like confrontation.”
“I should give them space.”
But here’s what I wish I understood then:
Silence after conflict isn’t maturity.
It’s avoidance.
Healthy relationships don’t disappear when things get uncomfortable.
They don’t leave one person alone to regulate the anxiety for both.
And yet — many women don’t name this as a red flag because we’re taught that asking for reassurance is needy and expecting communication is demanding.
So we wait.
And we call it patience.
No Accountability or Real Apologies
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“That wasn’t my intention.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
Those words sound gentle — but they avoid responsibility.
At the time, I accepted them because I didn’t want to seem:
dramatic
overly sensitive
difficult
like I was making a big deal out of nothing
There’s a powerful double standard at play here:
Men are allowed to be angry — it’s seen as stress or strength.
Women are emotional — and it’s seen as instability.
So instead of expecting accountability, many women learn to manage their reaction instead of the behavior that caused it.
But intention does not cancel impact.
A partner who can’t acknowledge harm — even unintentionally — isn’t protecting the relationship.
They’re protecting their ego.
Dismissing Your Feelings
This is the quietest red flag — and often the most damaging.
It sounds like:
“You’re overthinking it.”
“You’re too emotional.”
“It’s not that serious.”
At first, you question yourself.
Then you start shrinking.
You stop bringing things up.
You soften your truth.
You tell yourself you should be able to “handle it better.”
But here’s the truth we’re rarely taught:
Feelings don’t need permission to exist.
And being emotional does not make you irrational.
It makes you aware.
When someone consistently dismisses your feelings, the relationship becomes unsafe — not loudly, but slowly.
Why So Many Women Miss These Red Flags
Because we were taught to value harmony over honesty.
Many women were conditioned early to:
be agreeable
be understanding
be “easy”
keep the peace
not make others uncomfortable
So instead of naming patterns, we make excuses.
Instead of setting boundaries, we extend grace.
Instead of asking for accountability, we offer understanding.
We fear being labeled:
needy
dramatic
high-maintenance
the one who “always has an issue”
So we comply instead of clarify.
We endure instead of address.
Not because we don’t see the red flags —
but because we were taught not to wave them.
The Emotional Labor No One Talks About
When women are taught to self-regulate the relationship, they often end up doing emotional labor for two people.
They:
anticipate reactions
soften conversations
absorb discomfort
stay calm when hurt
manage silence
explain away pain
That isn’t love.
That’s survival inside a relationship.
Healthy love doesn’t require you to shrink, wait, or translate your pain into something more acceptable.
A Grounding Question That Changes Everything
I feel this is HUGE!
Instead of asking:
“How do I say this without upsetting them?”
Ask:
“Why do I feel responsible for managing their emotions instead of being honest about mine?”
That question exposes the double standard instantly.
Final Reflection
Red flags aren’t about making someone wrong.
They’re about listening to yourself.
You’re not “too emotional.”
You’re emotionally intelligent.
You’re not rocking the boat by naming what hurts.
You’re refusing to sink quietly.
And the moment you stop loving potential more than reality —
everything changes.
Xo, Janthina
