What I have learned about being a parent…
Shopping with my oldest daughter never gets old.
Being a parent is one of the most rewarding and exhausting jobs you will ever have. Children will try your patience one minute and make you want to hug them forever the next. These are a few things I have learned along the way with my four children spanning from 29 to 9.
-When you become a parent, you are no longer the center of your own universe. Listen sister, that ship has sailed. You should have kept it in his pants if you wanted to continue to be the center of your own universe. Children need you to be present and available. They do not need the selfish lady who slept until noon and stayed on her phone for hours because popcorn and wine were her food staples. They do not need a mama who is taking 30,000 selfies instead of spending quality time with them. They need to be the center of your universe. They need to be put first. This doesn’t mean for you to lose yourself. You need to still be a priority but sorry girlfriend, being number 1 ain’t it!
-Pay close attention, because your children will teach you about the world, your heart, and your soul. Children are amazing little creatures. They are there to be molded and taught about life, but if you listen to their questions and their views on things they are so simplistic and full of ideas you might just learn a thing or two about them, about you, and about life. To kids, things do not need to be so complicated. If you like this person then be friends, if you do not because they are not nice, then don’t be friends. Why is the sun important? Why do roses smell different than lilies? Why do birds sing? All things that allow you to take a moment to soak up the sun and enjoy with your little one. I have bad news for you, laundry never goes away but guess what, snuggles do. When they are 15 they won’t crawl up to you every night to snuggle. Be on top of your laundry then, Stop when they ask you to sit with them. Stop when they ask for hugs. Stop when they want you to read a story. Stop and soak up this precious time because it won’t be here forever.
-Enjoy the little moments because soon enough you will realize just how important those moments were. Sometimes bath time is a chore, but I tell you what, now looking at my 29-year-old daughter, I wish I would have taken the time to enjoy bathtime more instead of using that time to rush her through, so I could clean up. I was lucky enough to have time between children, so the mistakes that I made with my first I was able to correct with the next set. Being older and being able to look back I realize some of the small things, like putting them to bed or family meals can really create a bond with your children. You can use that time to see what has been going on with them and what worries they have. It doesn’t need to be a drill session that will give you opposite results. If the conversation is not flowing start with your day and what was good and bad that happened. Make sure to include both. The reasoning behind this is teaching your children that bad things happen and how to handle them in a constructive manner. It also shows them that the worst day you can always find the bright side of things. There is always something to be grateful for. It may be the fact that you are having ramen at your table with your children because money is tight but you are still with your babies. One of the things I do with my kids is after school they have to tell me 2 good things and 1 bad thing during their day. We discuss the bad thing and how they could have handled it better, why it might have happened, and/or how we can turn it around for tomorrow. We cheer on the good things that happen, which for my son, is having lunch. But for them and for us, sometimes it is the small things that make a difference. We just need to highlight the little things enough to have them search for it in their days. These days go by fast and soon enough they will be teenagers who do not want to engage regularly, so if you set up the little things now, like eating together every night, they won’t fight you on it as much when they are dreadful teens. LOL.
-Children do not always listen to what you have to say, but they will always imitate you. Remember, you are their hero, and they want to be just like you! This includes the good, the bad, and the ugly. You scream, yell, and throw tantrums, good chance your child does also. If you are mean/disrespectful to your spouse or have little patience with them or your children, chances are they will treat their siblings and you, if you let them, the same way. You are happy and look for the best in people, your children will imitate that behavior also. I remember a time my oldest daughter rolled her eyes at me, and I was furious. I chastised her then rolled my eyes, OH SNAP…. that’s why she rolled her at me. She was copying my behavior. She learned to roll said eyes that I wanted to pull out of her head from her mama. I taught her that. From then on, I worked very hard not to roll my eyes. Our children are mirrors of the main adults in their lives. This means anyone who sees them regularly. Remember that next time you want to yell at someone on the phone or fight with your spouse….what is that teaching them?
-TIME is how your children view love, Kids do not need a Pinterest perfect mama, they need a happy mama. A mom who is happy is a better mom to her kids. She has more patience with them, more time to give to them, and she appreciates the little things. This doesn’t mean you do not have stress or bad days. Its what you do with those things that make the difference. Do you carry it over to how you treat your family? Yelling, no patience, getting on them for minute things or do you explain to them that it’s been a tough day and you are going to try to be present and you just might need extra hugs. Children do not need all the latest toys and gadgets. They need playing games and reading books. Having conversations while coloring or snuggling while watching their favorite show. I promise you when they are older, you will not look back and think I should have worked more hours, so I could afford a PlayStation 5.
-The way you speak to your children becomes their inner voice. This one needs to stop and make you think. Who is in your head as your inner voice? Someone who is building you up or someone who is tearing you down? Is it the negativity you learned from your parents growing up telling you or showing you with their actions that you are not worth anything? Or is it positive thoughts built-in by your parents who created a safe and loving environment full of possibilities? If your child wants to be an astronaut but can’t do math or science, who cares? Encourage them to be an astronaut and go after their dreams. One of two things will happen: 1) they will learn to do math and science, so they can become an astronaut, or 2) they will decide they hate math and science and go after another dream. But you know what they will fall back on? Knowing you always had their back and believed they could do anything.
-The way you speak to your spouse/significant other will be how they speak to their siblings, their future loves, and you when you are old and gray! A key way to see if you need to check yourself on how you speak is by watching your children with their siblings. Are they kind to one another more so than not? Are they always yelling or being physical with one another? Are they mean? Do they fight a lot? Children imitate what they see. If you and your spouse/significant other are regularly yelling at each other, calling each other names, ignoring one another, etc…even behind closed doors your children know and will behave the same way. While once in a while an argument or fight will happen it should be out of the norm not what is normal. Read some books on how to help your communication in your household, go to therapy, meditate, or whatever you have to do to correct the situation, so your children do not view relationships as a screaming match. You can’t change the other person’s behavior, but you can change your reaction to them. Who knows, making the necessary changes to help your children might actually help your love relationship also.
-Sometimes you don’t value the importance of a moment until it’s gone. Their first words, the first time they walk or ride a bike are very important moments. I realize I have said this above but the snuggles, the laughter, the smelling of the flowers will be big moments to savor when they are older. I read a post, I forget where but it basically said you never know when your last time is. The last time they ask for help washing their hair. The last time they ask to sleep in your bed because they are scared. They last time they want to give you a kiss or hug in public. Savor these moments and do not take them for granted. Slow down. What might be a bugging question to you when you are trying to clean up dinner and telling them no or to wait awhile may be the time they stop turning to you for help.
-Parenting is about teaching your children to be independent even though your heart wants them close. Some of us cry at the thought of our kids moving out and growing up and others cherish the idea of becoming empty nesters. Whatever way your heart sways, it will still be tough on the heartstrings when they leave. While we may secretly love them crying for us when we leave, we need to teach them to be independent and happy on their own, so they can grow into healthy adults. You know why there are mama’s boys out there? Because their mama’s never taught them to stand on their own two feet. Be better mama. You hated dating/being married to a mama’s boy don’t turn around and create one. Also, do not teach your daughters to be do dependent on you they do not know how to function. Raise your children to be independent, to think on their own, to have their own opinions, and to fall. We cannot protect them from everything, but we can teach them how to handle what the world throws their way.
Chat soon,
Janthina
